Singer / Actor / Performer Mickey Taylor discussed his own mental health in a deep and revealing chat.
For those in the public eye it's all too common to hide pain behind a smile.
Before his suicide actor Robin Williams said in what is one of the most poignant mental health related quotes ever: "I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy. Because they know what it's like to feel absolutely worthless and don't want anyone else to feel like that.".
Image takes in Los Angeles, California back in January 2007: Presenter Robin Williams speaks during the 35th Annual People's Choice Awards held at the Shrine Auditorium on January 7, 2009 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images for PCA)
On the face of things it certainly seems that Mickey Taylor is the type of person to try and makes others happy. He starts a Youtube video interview recorded It's Gone Viral with the biggest laugh and smile, but those facades quickly fade away as he discusses his own deep and long lived mental health struggles.
Created through the negativity
What's sad in entertainers interview is the seeming self blame.
"Historically nothing ever good nothing ever joyous like going- if I was to go like way back like at the origins of before this was kind of created, I guess in myself. I guess I'm created through the negativity and the trauma like all of this comes from pain trauma"
Although the words are not funny, as a coping mechanism Taylor laughs throughout the chat.
Most amount of trauma
Trauma is a serious word, described as 'deep and distressing' so when asked when is the most serious of traumas experienced, while Mickey does pause and press his lips to think, he doesn't grimace once, even when answering.
"the three that I think of like aggressive ex's, abuse of family dynamics." He tells interviewer Claire, who asks questions with compassion from behind the camera.
Kinkster & BodyHustler
Mickey's partner Ronnie Stone seems to have been a settling and positive influence in his life.
Recently celebrating their two year anniversary on Instagram MT captioned the below photo: 'two incredible years! Thanks for always having my back and keeping me on my toes! Happy anniversary @ronniestxne'
The Full Transcript & Video is below
Interviewee: I remember having to hide away like in the middle of the night or like I'd have to leave the house to kind of run away from him.
Hi, my name is Mickey Taylor I am a singer actress mattress and I am here with it's gone viral to talk about mental health.
Interviewer: Let's dive straight in and let's go way back. What was going on for you?
Interviewee: Historically nothing ever good nothing ever joyous like going- if I was to go like way back like at the origins of before this was kind of created, I guess in myself. I guess I'm created through the negativity and the trauma like all of this comes from pain trauma. A lot of joy too it's not all doom and gloom, but I think that I learned best from mistakes and from the bad things and the good things.
Interviewer: So, what would you say was the most amount of trauma that you experienced that created the wonderful you that is now?
Interviewee: It's tricky because I can think of like two or three things that instantly like to stick out but they're all to do with pain inflicted on me by others, if that makes sense. The three that I think of like aggressive ex's, abuse of family dynamics. It's all other people that are struggling in their own mindset and then they're using their pain as a weapon on me, if that makes sense. I am essentially their punch bag emotionally if that makes sense. And obviously where they've never dealt with their trauma properly, I was the first thing. I think we attacked the people we loved the most as well. I think we hurt the people we loved the most and I think I was just that for a lot of people. But then through that rather than become the victimizer through my own trauma, I decided to kind of turn it into positive energy rather than negative, if that makes sense.
Interviewer: Yeah, that does. So, you said there at the beginning of your answer that you had other people in your life that obviously had negativity in their lives and that you've obviously been on that journey to understand that. Can you take me back to that time on what was happening for you and how old were you?
Interviewee: I think the first like inkling of trauma creeping into life was family divorce. But it was a very aggressive divorce. It was very violent and I remember having to hide away like in the middle of the night, or like we'd have to leave the house to kind of run away from him. He was a very aggressive man. He was a bit of a criminal too. I remember a lot of that when I was younger and trying never to tell him where we were moving to or going, and having to rush out of school early and things. I think that was like the first inkling that was going to be bad for a while. I remember instantly putting it into art. I remember sketch pads, but always like my bubble that I created for myself. Once I was sat there drawing, I remember drawing a picture of Buddhisia when I was younger and someone was like, “That's actually really good.” And I was like, “Oh I actually have something I can release into, then I'll give it- I'll keep going.”
Interviewer: Looking back at that time in your life is there anything you would change about it?
Interviewee: No. I actually would never change anything that has ever happened to me all that. I've ever done. I've been to rehab, I've been arrested, I've been beaten within an inch of my life. I've had someone try and kidnap me from my own home and I wouldn't change any of it because without one part of that I'm not me. Trauma is trauma but tragedy plus time equals comedy. So, I have always just looked at it all and now I can talk about it as a joke and a humor and I learned something from each of them and I became stronger for it. Sometimes I had to double over some scars but it was worth it.
Interviewer: How did that come about you being diagnosed for other people to understand what you were feeling at that time?
Interviewee: It was a very weird time I was 16. I want to say my mum was a care worker who was having to forcibly like retire early as well as suffering from personality disorder, bipolar herself, and I was a young little queen trying to figure out his identity in a house full of three women like one with PTSD and one like trying to figure out her own diagnosis while leaving her work. So, there was a lot of anger. That's when my kind of snaps began to happen in my head, and I began to spiral and lose control. Then rather than find help for me my mother threw me out in the middle of the street, and made me homeless. I never got a chance to address my bipolar for about another two years when I finally saw medication. This is what I mean, like I've never really had the chance to talk about my feelings and assess them or handle them and I think that's why I put it all into creative mediums.
Interviewer: So, when you were talking there, you used the word “snap”.
Interviewee: Yes.
Interviewer: What happened when snap happened?
Interviewee: I was heavily addicted to alcohol and I remember I was having a very turbulent relationship- not a bad one, but like it was at the end of its course and it was like a coping mechanism. And then I remember just I had a lot of suicidal behavior for a while. I didn't know who to reach out to or what to do or what to say. So, I think that's when that was the snap for me, and then I remember just trying to speak to doctors for about a year and a half trying to find the right bloody medication which never happened. They'd either make me sick or like rapid weight loss or rapid weight gain, or nausea and shakes and everything. So, the snap was pretty rough for about a year, and the feelings didn't go away anytime soon in that time.
Interviewer: How did you cope with that?
Interviewee: I was also a musical theater student at this point as well. So, I mean, I had then discovered my love for music again because I'd always sung around the house with mom, and I did the odd play as a kid and stuff and I always enjoyed them. I was part of a dance group at one point too. But I think yeah, I just used college and theater and singing my little queer heart out, I guess.
Interviewer: We were chatting earlier about your love of learning. Do you think when you were at musical theater was that a shift for you in how you channeled how you were feeling?
Interviewee: No, I'd say the shift in learning happened for me about six years ago. I remember essentially like looking back at college thinking I dropped out of college the first time, dropped out of college the second time. I'm doing nothing with my life besides shooting porn once a month. I should really try and learn something or do something. Then there was an interview I did with someone and they were like, “What did you do before like you were a hooker?” I was like, oh like I did musical theater a little bit. And I loved that.” They were like, “You should like to go into singing or give it a go.” And I was like “Hmm, I don't know.” Then I remember putting out a Lana del Rey cover on YouTube for like shits and giggles and then it got a really nice response. And then I realized that if people like what I'm doing then I'll carry on doing it because I can find something that I thoroughly enjoy out of it myself, and use that as my coping mechanism if it then helps other people with their coping- amazing. I mean, music is therapy for me always has been- even before I was a singer like I would sit there for hours and hours and just listen to my favorite bands as a kid and like headphones in couldn't reach me come back in three hours you know what I mean. I think music is a really good healer and a really good source of relativity for people's characteristics and feelings. I think the big learning skill switch happened when people encouraged me to go into music and then I was like what else can I do, so I just kept trying things.
Interviewer: I'm listening to you talking obviously. There's been so much that's happened in your life, and you've mentioned another area in this conversation now, and you talked about the porn industry. How did that happen?
Interviewee: Very well documented. Essentially, I was a model in Essex at the time and it was a mediocre success because I really wasn't that keen on it like the body does more for you would get my god. I was managing a nightclub at the time and someone messaged me on Grind like, “I direct porn, you'd be great at it.” I was like, “Go fuck yourself- no way.” And then after about three months of him asking and asking and asking I remember I was kind of in contact with my mum at this point trying to repair the bridge she basically said to me, “Like if you don't do it, you're an idiot.” She was just like, “You are only going to look young and pretty for so long and you're only going to have this opportunity to do it. Now you've got your entire life to have a career just go and have fun and if you don't like it, you did one you just don't do another one.” And I just fell in love with it.
Interviewer: For somebody that is in that place now what advice would you give to somebody that was feeling that way?
Interviewee: Don't hide from that little nagging shadow in the corner. Sometimes you've got to put a light on it and see what is there and you've got to kind of like figure out what is in the corner and kind of address it. And if you don't like the only way I can describe it is, you are a plank of wood on the ocean and someone keeps dropping metal on top of you coin by coin and eventually you're going to sink. So, it's just like don't let the coins build up because once you sink, you're gone, and it's very hard to like try and pull you back out of the water. You're not alone like no one is ever truly lonely. We only become lonely when we retreat into our own psyche where the loneliness truly comes from. If you do feel lonely, then there are so many ways to kind of change that for yourself.
If you’ve been effected by any of the topics discussed in the above transcript please see the list of numbers at the bottom of the interview with Gabriel HERE